…as I’m attempting to write this blog post for the dozenth time.
Every time I thought about what I was going to write, my thoughts started spinning and I’d end up not writing anything at all. I even avoided just sitting in silence be it with paper, laptop or even voice to text.
Right now I’m in a train, so for once, I don’t have an easy escape. It’s either write or stare out the window! So I’m writing. Little by little, while trying not to edit what I’ve already written.
I wanted to do this blog because I thought it would allow me to just be myself and write what I want to write, whenever I want, how I want, without feeling like a slave to social media algorithms.
Yet I found myself worrying about all kinds of things like:
- Am I writing for strangers or also friends?
- How should I introduce myself?
- Will people who don’t know me even take me serious if I haven’t published my music yet
- How do I write authentically, yet in a way that also perform well with SEO?
- Should I add pictures or not?
- Is it even worth it if I’m having such a hard time with writing a post?
- Will anyone even read it…?
I talked to my therapist about this months ago, and she made me realise that this exact struggle that I’m going through now, is something I can write about. I want to show my true self, not a shining version of myself, and that requires that I also talk about my failures!
You might have noticed that my last and first blog post was all the way back in spring, and now Christmas is just around the corner. And also that I said, I talked to my therapist a few months ago…
So yeah….
**Even with the realisation that I can just write about what’s going on with me right in this moment, and that I don’t have to engineer the perfect blog post every time I want to share something, I was still avoiding writing that blog post for a long time.
I thought sharing my authentic flawed self would be easy (since I like doing that with people pretty early on if I feel safe with them),but showcasing my raw self to the internet also means opening myself up to all kinds critique from strangers who’ve never met me and have no filter when it comes to commenting online. I’m just a dude online claiming to be an artist with nothing to back that up (yet!) after all.
I would hear the humiliating ridiculing voices of my high school bullies who would laugh when I talked about my interests in composing and creating music, who would mock me when playing (for me at the time) incredibly difficult classical piano or flute pieces, while still asking me to play “Comptine d’un autre été, l’après-midi” from the movie “The fabulous life of Amelie”, which felt a little insulting.
This was the hottest kind-of-easy-but-pretty piece to play back in 2011!
Those are the voices I hear the loudest in my head. I then feel like I need to provide explanations and excuses as to why after all this time, and with my age now, I still haven’t published anything. And if I don’t, then that gives the voices more food for easy ridicule.
All of this fear… and yet I’m doing it! 😤
I KNOW I’ve wanted to be heard ever since I first started composing little classical pieces, back in school. I KNOW I have something worth sharing, and it’s been confirmed again and again by the people close to me, musicians and non-musicians alike.
SO FEAR BE DAMNED!
I know that if I won’t try again I’ll always regret it.
Maybe I can’t earn a living with it. Maybe it will just help me be happier and connect with more people. That’s fine! Either way, I just need something to do change, and each word written is one step taken in a direction.
Which direction? No fucking idea! We will see. But at this point, anything is better than standing still!
Is there something you’ve been avoiding doing for a long time? Even though you know in your heart that you want this?
